My name was not in there.Posted: June 27, 2016 Filed under: depression, identity, worth | Tags: believe, El Roi, identity, Invisible woman, prayer, the God who sees 2 Comments
“My name was not in there. …see I am INVISIBLE!”
This is a modern day El Roi moment told by my old friend Julie. Go get your tissues. Here’s Julie…
The magazine I started was growing faster than I expected, and shortly before moving to Nebraska, I had our second child and I was attempting to hold it all together: stay at home mom and business owner. What I didn’t realize is that the business I owned gave me an identity that I loved and perhaps started to idolize.
I was beginning to get overwhelmed and I felt as if God was telling me, “Let the business go. Sell it.” I argued with this idea and worried I would loose my identity and passion. But I continued to feel this nudge as if He was saying to me, “Oh, I’ve got big plans for you, you have to trust me.”
Fast forward through a messy year of selling my business. As the dust began to settle I didn’t expect what would happened next. A major identity crisis, loneliness, and depression. I regretted giving up the business I was so very proud of. But I knew God was working something out in me, I just didn’t know what.
It was later that year that felt the nudge to pursue my love of writing and teaching. Maybe this was the “next thing” that God was hinting towards.
So what does a woman do when she wants to speak and write? Well, she attends a conference for speakers and writers right?
So I took the plunge and signed up for one of the biggest speaking and writing conferences in the country. Being in a room with 50 women makes me really nervous let alone 800 women and famous people.
Talk about feeling invisible.
“Oh holy crap! All these women want to be speakers and writers?”
“Seriously! God, what the heck? Why am I here?”
The anxiety started to set in as I had no clue how the world would hear my message when there are like millions of women who also have a message.
And oh the self-talk: “You are not supposed to be here…Nobody knows who you are… Why would they listen to you… You can’t stand out here. YOU ARE INVISIBLE!”
I wanted to go home.
But I stuck around. I wanted to learn some things. And I had gotten two appointments with some prominent publishers. And I actually had a book idea.
The nerves were killing me as I walked up to my first appointment. A stern woman scolded me for showing up early and told me I’d have to come back in 15 minutes.
There was only one place I could go while I waited in misery. This prayer room that I heard the speakers talking about… “Now go check out our prayer room. We’ve placed all your names in there on the different names of God and it will be fun to see where your’s ended up.” (said with a deep southern accent)
So I went to the prayer room. There was incense burning and a prayer monitor woman sitting in the corner and the lighting was dim. I just went straight over to the names. This would keep me busy, searching for my name among hundreds of names.
So I searched… and I searched. I saw names I recognized of the people speaking and teaching and even the publisher’s names.
“Wow, they thought of everyone.”
One problem. My name wasn’t in there. I looked again across the three long tables with hundreds of names and the many names of God. I moved confetti and candles and incense around.
My name was not in there.
“You see I am INVISIBLE!” I shouted and quickly got out of the Prayer Room Prison and proceeded to my publishers meeting… which I bombed. She kindly thanked me for my book idea and told me that she liked it, however it needed some more thought. “Come back to me in a year when you’ve started a blog on the subject and have your ideas a little more planned out.” I thanked her and left.
I just bombed a publishers meeting. This was one of my biggest fears. I just needed her to see me as an author, as someone capable of writing a book, and I sabotaged it with my nerves. I couldn’t get out what I really wanted to.
And then it hit me. “I just bombed a publishers meeting!!!”
Hold the phone, I just lived through one of my biggest fears. I braved some ultimate failure! Something started to shift in me.
I had one more publishers meeting coming up and I was not going to let myself feel like a victim. So what if I was invisible? So what if nobody here knows me or knows what I am capable of! I don’t really want to care about their opinions. I’m not doing this for them. I’m doing this for God.
But because I’m still a ball of nerves at this point I had to go somewhere and hide. So I went back to the Prayer Prison where all those names are locked up (except mine which is a free spirit that cannot be contained on a table with other names)… this time with a different perspective. Since my name wasn’t in here, I would instead pray for all these other names listed here. I would end this pity party and start caring about others more. I put my hands over all these names and prayed the name of God for them that they were listed under. When I got half way through the names, a wave of relief came over me and I felt like God was saying “Why did you take your eyes off of me? I never thought you were invisible! I told you I have a plan for you, and it’s good, trust me!”
It was in that moment, I suddenly didn’t care if a publisher liked my book idea or if they liked me. It didn’t matter because I was on God’s plan and His timing. If it’s time for a publisher to notice me, He’ll make it happen. And He can make that happen with or without this conference.
I continued to pray for all those names until I got to the last sheet of paper.
And there it was –my name! After all of this, there it was. And do you know what name of God it was under?
Which is the God who SEES you!
Are you kidding me!? The chills went through me and I started to weep. It was all I needed. I just needed to know that I was not invisible. I just needed to know that God sees me among hundreds of talented and loud women and He says “I see you child! Stop doubting”
It was a remarkable feeling. It was a greater feeling, than a publisher noticing me.
I try to remember that feeling on days like today when I’m sitting at home feeling invisible.
I feel invisible a lot. But I know I shouldn’t. I know my husband loves me. And my kids think I’m pretty cool. I know I have some friends. I think the dog really appreciates me. But I can’t help this feeling of invisible from seeping into this ordinary mundane life I seem to live.
We were created with a desire to be noticed. In fact if we look into many of our deepest desires we would find that it points to the way we were created. The world tries to fulfill this desire in our hearts but will always ultimately fail. It’s a deep pit that only God can manage to fill.
I hope I can have a chance to me you, the reader of this post, someday and encourage you and tell you all the ways God has made you special and how un-invisible you are! Take care, friend!
Julie and her husband Josh have been on many adventures in ministry. They have three kids. Julie is a gifted bible teacher, writer, speaker and entrepreneur.
Connect with Julie on her website Eyes Wide. Heart Deep at julieluse.com
El Roi – the God who seesPosted: May 5, 2016 Filed under: believe, depression, friendship, identity, spiritual growth | Tags: believe, desert, El Roi, Genesis 16, Hagar, hope in loneliness, invisible, Invisible woman, not alone, Psalm 34:18, the God who sees Leave a comment
It is a desert time for the Invisible Woman. A lonely struggle. Her eyes scan the horizon for a sign that it will be over soon but there is only dry sand and she is left to walk it out alone in the vast emptiness. It’s such hard work and maybe it would seem easier if she had a companion. For heaven’s sake don’t you dare sit down and give up for God is El Roi (el, ro-ee): The God Who Sees
This reminds me of a desert time for a young woman, Hagar. Her desperate story is told in Genesis 16:1-15. It almost ended very badly for her… but The Lord saw her.
Sarah and Abraham were never able to conceive. They are well past their prime and even so God had promised them a child, their very own – from them. As time went on they began to doubt the promise and took matters into their own hands. Sarah had a young Egyptian maidservant, Hagar. Sarah suggested that Abraham conceive a child with Hagar. And it was so. (Now ladies, of course you and I can obviously see that this would be a bad idea. Often our desperation can lead us to do the most regrettable things.) Soon Sarah experiences the full force of her regret as jealousy sets in and these two women begin to despise one another. Hagar flaunted her pregnancy and Sarah made life difficult for Hagar. It got bad. Sarah complained to Abraham but he was not much help. “Do with her whatever you think best. (Genesis 16:6)” he said, essentially –she’s your problem (I have a feeling this will not turn out well for Hagar). Her poor actions had inclined Sarah’s severe treatment. Women can be so cruel to each other. I can just see them getting their digs in, preying upon the insecurities of the other. Us ladies know how to get her where it hurts. These women made life miserable for each other. I’m sure the rest of the house was miserable too. It gets so bad that Hagar’s fight turned to flight and she runs, choosing the scorching heat of the desert over the unbearable conflict. She cries as she walks. Her heart is crushed. Her mind is anxious. Her hormones have her wound up and she just keeps putting as much distance as possible between her and the pain. All she can see is her pain.
But she is not as alone as she feels…
Next we read, “…the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the dessert…” Genesis 16:7
“Hagar, servant of Sarah, where have you come from, and where are you going?…Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” Genesis 16:8-9
Go back?! Submit?! An impossible task for a young woman whose pride has led her out here with only a burned bridge behind her. But God reassures her. He acknowledges her child and her misery and He lifts her downcast face to rise and see the future that awaits her. Her and her son. She has been seen. (Genesis 16:10-12) God saw her broken heart and saw her future.
With this divine assurance, she stands. And turns toward home. Eyes focused. She walks with purpose. God has spoken to her. Her son will live and grow to be a man. A steady peace and calm covers this reckless girl. Her anxious mind that was once so narrowly focused on her present injustice has now been given a view from a much higher place. And just there, on the horizon, she sees that this troubling time will pass. Confident that she has not and never will escape God’s watchfulness, she knows she’ll be alright. This is all the assurance she needs to overcome all of her trials.
She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “ You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.” (Genesis 16:13)
El Roi – The God Who Sees
The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
According to Psalm 34:18, where is God when we are hurting?
We are so vulnerable when we go through desert times. Without support God can seem so far off; so detached from our pain and loneliness. Invisible woman, you need to know that God does see you. In fact, according to Psalm 34:18 He pays special attention to those who are hurting.
think with me
Did you ever consider that this season in the desert was designed by God to prompt you to come to Him? That possibly He has something special for you if only you would go to Him for comfort instead of another source? (In my lonely times God sees me not by a well in the desert, but when Netflix stops my show to ask if I’m still watching. Sadly I am. What a wonderful distraction from the burdens of life and alone-ness, insert eye-roll here.) Where does God see you?
If you’ve been hurt from being left out and unnoticed has there been a temptation to not even try to connect with others again? Has self-preservation become your only comfort? Don’t linger too long in the shadows. It’s time to come out into the light.
pray with me
El Roi, I believe that you see me. I believe that you see what is ahead of me and that you will use what is behind me. Lord, You are invisible and go unnoticed by so many of Your creation yet you do not give up on us. You are so patient with us. Your watchfulness has been my strength and comfort through every trial. I am never alone. You have our attention now, Lord. Forgive us for ignoring You as we feel sorry for ourselves. Here and now we lay down our pride and we turn humbly to You, seeking Your comfort and council. Amen.
When You’ve Ignored GodPosted: July 7, 2015 Filed under: believe, Elmwood Ladies Devotional, identity, prayer, restoration, spiritual growth | Tags: a full life, believe, dusty bible, get in your groove, hard heart, Hebrews 4:7, no shame, overcome, prayer, Psalm 34:5, spiritual growth, Today 1 Comment
As you all know we moved out here last fall and we are still trying to get to know people…making friends. I was blessed to cross paths with my new friend, Alicia. She has the most hospitable heart! The first time we met I told her about Lost Without Him. Then she told me about a women’s fellowship that she started with some ladies in town. She loved to make a meal for them and just have a ladies night with no kids. But she wanted to give them more than that. Not just food for their bodies but food for their soul. I suggested that maybe I could come to her gatherings and introduce a topic centered on some biblical issue applicable to marriage, mothering and life. She loved it! So we set the dates and began to plan.
We just had our first gathering last night. Our topic was titled When You’ve Ignored God. I shared vulnerably from my own Christian experience the struggle to keep God a priority in my life. That awkward feeling of opening your bible after months or years of neglect. How strange our words feel as we bow to pray for the first time in ages. We look at our dusty bibles. With heavy hearts burdened with more than we were meant to carry, we say, “Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll be better. Tomorrow I’ll open my bible.” What if we didn’t wait till tomorrow? What if we just reached out to Him now?
I tell you, now is the time of God’s favor, now is the day of salvation. -2 Corinthians 6:2
We bring him our neediness, doubts, weakness and poverty. We come hungry for what only He can give. After we have tried to find it in so many other places, we return. Like the prodigal son we come back empty. Nothing to offer but a flickering torch. And as the scriptures show…there is no shame in your returning.
Why did I stop praying?
Why did I stop opening my bible?
It most likely happened very subtly. Some overindulging in mindless entertainment here…a miss-placed priority there. Before you realize it, it’s been a while since you thought about God. A spiritual laziness sets in.
“Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.” –Hebrews 4:7
I missed God so much. I really had to fight back my hesitation to just put Him on the shelf again. Many doubting thoughts and shameful accusations kept me from showing my face to God. Like the desperate father in Mark 9:22 says to Jesus “…if you can do anything…help us.”
Jesus answers him, “If you can? Everything is possible to Him who believes.”
The man exclaims, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
And that was the cry of my heart…help me overcome my unbelief!
At that point I asked myself a really important question.
“Bri, do you believe that Jesus died on the cross?”
(How silly, of course I believe Jesus died on the cross.)
“Then why do you pull away when he reaches out? Why do you recoil? Why are you hiding? Because if you believe that Jesus died on the cross then you believe that…
– the shame you feel is the reason he died.
– He accepts you. All of your mess.
– He is perfect so you don’t have to be.
– life apart from Him is no life at all.
(Oh ya, that last one? Ya, I believe that one. I’ve experienced how empty my full life feels when I leave Jesus out.)
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.” -Ezekiel 36:26-27
So I began to read my bible. And it did feel awkward to open my bible and pray when it had been so long. Like seeing someone that you have brushed off for a long time and you just don’t even know what to ask them about. It felt a little forced. But the more I read my bible the more we had to talk about in prayer. The more I prayed the closer I felt to him. I no longer felt so far away; far away from my husband or distant to my kids. I began to initiate life again, not just react to it.
One thing I have to guard against everyday is thinking too much of myself and too little of God. Everyday I need to “get over myself” so I can truly follow Jesus. Because when I look to him…Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never coved with shame. Psalm 34:5
What ever it is that has kept you from seeking God, you can always return. We don’t need to clean our selves up before we approach Him.
He washes our feet,
He covers our faults,
He forgives our wrongs.
This is why He came. He didn’t come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people alive. And I can certainly attest to feeling dead inside. We bring him our neediness, doubts, weakness and poverty. We come hungry for what only He can give. After we have tried to find it in so many other places soon He tracks us down and carries us home. And there is no shame in your returning.
(I prepared a 4-day devotional for all the ladies who came to our dessert night last night so I’ll be chiming in on those this week. A little more traffic than usual 🙂
The Hoarder And Her Can: a mom’s lesson in worth and potential.Posted: May 5, 2015 Filed under: believe, identity, motherhood, tending to yourself, worth, worth fighting for | Tags: 1 Timothy 4:14, 2 Timothy 1:6, believe, brave, get in your groove, Hoarder, investing in yourself, JumpingTandem, motherhood, potential, pursuing dreams, value, when it doesn't come easy, worth, worth fighting for, writing dream 3 Comments
A month ago I was watching an episode of Hoarders: Collection (um yah, sometimes it’s the only thing that motivates me to clean my house) and my ears perked up during a conversation a counselor was having with a client on her porch. He brings out a bag full of empty cans from her house and sits down with her and her adult daughter.
The counselor asks her, “So what’s your thoughts about the cans?”
hoarder: “I see potential in everything. Lots of things you could do with tin snips, make flowers, all kinds of crafts…”
counselor: “Well you said you see potential in everything except yourself.”
hoarder: “Well I’m too old for potential anymore.”
counselor: “So theoretically this can has more potential than you.”
She nods and looks down.
Now I understand that the hopeless condition of this woman’s soul is a product of a painful abusive marriage that ended 20 years ago. My beautiful life cannot compare to her pain and loss but there was a part of me that could relate with what her counselor was getting at. I myself had just recently questioned my own worth and potential.
A friend told me about a writer’s conference called Jumping Tandem. I wanted to go so bad and I really needed to go. Seemed like it might actually work out until my husband said that he accepted an invitation to help some family members four hours away. Grandma and grandpa would be on vacation in Mexico. Fiona would need to go to a birthday party and Tony would have a baseball game. Who would watch my kids that needed to be in two different places at once! This was a logistical nightmare! And of all weekends why must it be this one?
My thoughts turn to…
“Looks like I’m staying home to hold everything together, like always, (very dramatically) and always will.
It gets worse though. Check out these other pity party thoughts I was entertaining…
“Serves me right, though. I don’t generate any income for our family so why should I spend it on improving me.”
“The family four hours away has a much more noble cause so why shouldn’t Jeff go help them.”
“Don’t be so selfish Bri”
But my heart was crying out! …”I’m home all the time! Everything I do is for the advancement of my husband and kids. Just this once I want to go and invest in me. Seriously my time away would amount to less than 24hours. Can’t I have that Lord? Am I being so selfish in wanting this?”
Then I thought of the hoarder and her can. And I thought of all the potential I see in my dear friends. If they ever came to me with such lies and an invitation to a pity party I would immediately tell them to stop it and do what ever it took to go to that conference. I knew I had much more potential than trash. My dreams, desires and talents are always worth fighting for. Pursuing dreams will usually be inconvenient on some level. Inconvenient for me and my family.
I felt like the Lord was saying, “Well how bad do you want this Bri, ’cause I’m not going to make it easy for you. Do you think it’s worth all this. Are you worth all this? Do you believe you are worth investing in?”
The hoarder refused to have a vision for her life. I knew that I didn’t want to get stuck in that kind of self-depreciating rut – I wanted to get in my groove!
Ok you moms, how many times have you had those same thoughts?
…”Husbands and kid needs come first all the time. How could I ever ask them to bend over backwards on my behalf?”
Well picture yourself 40 years in the future and hearing the same words that our hoarder’s daughter told the counselor “It’s hard to hear my own mom say that there is more potential in a something that is trash than there is in her.”
I do believe that our kids and husbands take great pride in watching us pursue impossible dreams. Have you ever stopped to wonder that just maybe they would love to bend over backwards on your behalf the same way you love to do it for them? Seriously, we only need to ask. But we won’t ask if deep down we don’t think we are worth it.
The Lord was not making this weekend event difficult so as to cruelly dangle some unattainable fruit in my face. He really wanted me to see that I was worth fighting for. I think The Lord wanted my husband and kids to see me fighting for this dream too. I think He smiled in relief when I decided that I was. After all, He paid so much for me. With His very life He told me how much I was worth.
-Here’s A Good Word-
Twice Paul encouraged Timothy to pursue his talents and invest in himself.
Do not neglect your gift…. -1 Timothy 4:14
…I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you… -2 Timothy 1:6
What are some dangers of having that pity party in front of your husband and kids?
I would never want my kids or husband to feel like they were the reason I never did the things I always wanted to.
Tell me about a time that the Lord did not make it come easy, whatever it was.
Is it easier for you to invest family resources into every member of the family except you? Why?
Tomorrow… I’ll tell you the rest of the story. Was I able to get it together to go to the JumpingTandem conference? How hard would I have to fight for this… and a special message from My Darling (husband Jeff)
Let’s Not Over-Think ThisPosted: February 25, 2015 Filed under: depression, identity, prayer, restoration | Tags: anchor, believe, depression, divine, finish, Hebrews 6:19, mystery, over-thinking it, prayer, running 1 Comment
“Don’t you quit now, Bri! Finish it! Just finish it!”
This is me talking to myself while running on the MoPac trail this morning. You see I have this problem sometimes. I get kinda lazy. I see the finish so I think I’m done (even though I’m not there yet). So I stop and walk the last 15 yards to my finish. I love running! Not competitively though. I do it for fun. It’s relaxing for me. The moment you tell me I need to beat a time or a person I promise I will lose all benefit from the exercise.
In 2010 I was diagnosed with depression. Really scary time. Of course I was able to find a good course of treatment; medication and some time with a counselor. Everything I read told how good exercise was for my mind. I learned about endorphins and all the great benefits of regular exercise. Tragically, this added information took all the fun out of my running. It was no longer for fun but for “have to”. All the magic of being outside, the sounds, the smells, the peaceful rhythmic breathing, the zone… it was gone. Disappeared into doctor’s orders. I thought, “Oh I guess its nothing special after all…just endorphins.”
I can be stubborn that way. It has to be my idea and my reasons. I don’t like to do something just because someone told me to. I know, really mature. My eyes are rolling with you I promise. My dear mother who raised this stubborn child knows exactly what I’m talking about. I think my husband might nod his head here too.
Sadly the divine was taken from another life-giving part of my life. Prayer. I absolutely loved praying. I believed in what I was praying about. I believed that God heard me. I believed that He would answer my pleas for people.
And I need to be anchored. But then counselors and journal articles all told about the benefits of meditation and prayer. These experts told how good it was to sit quietly and clear your head. All good things. But with my depression/anxiety it is hard to sit alone, quietly and feel like it’s doing any good for me. And there was no talk of the divine spiritual perspective of prayer. It became a time out and it became all about me. Already, my depression had me squarely focused on me and the last thing I needed was more me time.
It’s been five years since I’ve come out of the dungeon. And I’ve got to tell you, I am taking back my running and I am taking back my prayer. I’m so glad that exercise helps my mind, but I want the mystery. So I run like a child -before the battle scars of depression and before it was all about me. I enjoy the sounds, smells, the rhythm and the zone once again. I don’t think much about what I’m getting out of it. I try to not think much at all. I just enjoy it. And when I want to burst with joy and praise my God on the running trail, I will! And just be thankful and enjoy Him. Even when other runners on the trail are thinking “I’d like to have those kind of endorphins”… I’ll still believe.
Think with me – but not over-think it 😉
Like me, was something stolen from you at the hand of depression?
What would you like to take back?
How did “over-thinking” it take your enjoyment out of it?
The counselor I saw years ago was not a believer. As I began to come out of my depression by telling her of the hope that Jesus gave me, she dismissed me – awkwardly. Thank goodness the Lord had given me the confidence in that moment to realize that I was not a lunatic for my faith. The gospel is foolishness to those who don’t believe. But I wonder if some of you came out of depression believing that your faith was just a crutch and not the very solid ground that your life stands on?
Lets cry out to God and claim it once more!
Dear Almighty God, We believe that you care deeply for us and long for us to be close to you. Help us Lord to cling to that. Let us not grieve the lost years and the lost fruit and instead look forward to what you have for us now. Lord we want to lavish in Your mystery and acknowledge Your power in our lives once more. We come back to you Lord, like little children sitting at your feet. All this in the sweet name of our Savior, Jesus. Amen.
We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure… –Hebrews 6:19
Let the little children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.” Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them. –Mark 10:14-16 (NLT)