Neither Do I Condemn YouPosted: July 11, 2015 Filed under: marriage, restoration, spiritual growth | Tags: adultery, affair, astray, confession, confidence, courage, escape, free, freedom, Jesus friend of sinners, John 10:10, John 8:1-11, lonely in marriage, marriage, peace, Philippians 4:7, secret, The Bridges of Madison County Leave a comment
Read John 8:1-11
Walking away from God is surely not without consequence. After reading about this woman caught in adultery I thought about sheep. How stupid they are to wonder away from the care of the shepherd. They do not last long on out on their own. Maybe when you read about this woman you thought the same thing, “How stupid.”
Like the sheep from Luke 15 that we read about on Tuesday, I went astray. I went out searching for something that I thought my Shepherd was withholding from me. Have you ever been stubborn like that? “If you won’t give it to me then I will just get I myself.” After Jeff and I were married we struggled to get it together spiritually. I tried so hard to reach out to Jeff but he was cold and distant. Since we weren’t going to church my “well” was beginning to run dry. Soon I had wondered so far from the Lord that I contemplated having an affair as an escape from my lonely marriage. I even read the book The Bridges of Madison County by Robert James Waller. You may have seen the movie. The whole story starts with these two adult kids going through their mother’s things after she had passed away. They stumble upon a journal and are shocked to learn that their mother had a passionate weeklong affair when they were school kids. The whole message of the book was that if you are so unhappy it’s ok to betray your husband. Keep it a secret. No one finds out. No one gets hurt. And I really fell for it. I believed that I could have this affair and it would be as a precious jewel that would I stash away in my jewelry box. Only I know it’s there and I can go and look at it whenever I wanted. The memories would be a hidden treasure that I would secretly cherish. It would be my companion on lonely days. So off I went. Even now I imagine my Shepherd watching me from afar, His wondering sheep. The reality of the affair was not at all like the fairy tale I kept trying to make happen. It was awkward. So many lies. Not satisfying. I knew I had made a huge mistake. I ended the two month long affair and I was so scared and lost and all alone. My heart bleated for The Shepherd. He found me. And I was ashamed to find that He never took His eyes off me. My repentant heart grieved over betraying my husband’s trust and I agreed with God that I was so wrong. I did not feel worthy of His help. It was my mess. But it is impossible to stand in such strong waves of grace and mercy. I felt so stupid and also very aware. It was like I could see clearly now. I thought back to the book I read and I was furious with the lie it was propagating. There was no precious jewel of memories to treasure in my heart. Only a deep stabbing pain every time I looked in my husband’s eyes. How could Francesca live with her husband while harboring such a secret? I’m guessing she didn’t live much. There is no life apart from Christ and we will never feel free if we are held hostage by such damaging secrets. Jeff was not perfect but his love was true. We struggled to meet eye-to-eye and heart-to-heart but it was pure and right. He would look in my eyes and tell me he loved me. “Not if you knew what I did”, my heart whispered. It was time to take the power away from this secret shame. We know that the truth will set us free and I would not spend the rest of my years living a lie with my husband, though I feared he wouldn’t be my husband much longer.
How do you find the courage and confidence to confess such a scandalous betrayal?
This is where the confidence comes from. When you live as a tortured prisoner and you see a way to escape, you take it. Even if it means you lose your right arm in the process. I might lose my husband, but at least I would be free. Free ladies! That was my courage and my confidence! I refused to let the shame rule over me. Not when Jesus stands bearing scars on behalf of my freedom! And oh the tears of relief. There is nothing like it.
I did confess to Jeff and his parents. And to my family. He moved out for 5 months. Possibly friends thought I must be a wreck as I lived alone awaiting my fate. Quite the opposite. It was before I confessed that I was a wreck and lived with a dark cloud hanging over me. But now my heart was free and alive. I was no longer a prisoner. Do you know how good that freedom feels? It sustained me when Jeff left and it steadied me as he contemplated keeping me as his wife. I knew that no matter what, I would not be destroyed. I was reminded how precious my marriage is. On the verge of losing it forever I was making a commitment to cherish it always and not mistreat it.
How is our marriage now? Stronger. And carefully protected like the precious jewel it is.
This week we have spent time talking about when we have ignored God. And this is what we have learned…
From the Woman at the Well learn that only Jesus satisfies.
From the Lost Sheep we learn how compassionate He is and how dependant we are.
From Peter we learn that no matter how we have walked away from Jesus that He still has a place for us.
And finally from The Woman Caught in Adultery we learn that when our sin threatens to separate us from the love of God, Jesus does not condemn us.
Thank you friends so much for letting me invade your inbox this week! Praying for you all to respond to God when He reaches out for you. We’ll be in touch again before we meet on the 20th.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. – Galatians 5:1
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. –John 10:10
And the peace of god, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. –Philippians 4:7